I am reminded of the song lyric, “some of G-d’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.” Throughout this month of intentional gratitude, I have spent some time each morning appreciating all that my life is and all that I have. I have so much to be thankful for, most notably my family starting of course with my children who have blessed me beyond anything I imagined possible. Going beyond the obvious gratitude for my immediate family, I began to recognize the fact that I am grateful for the presence of people in my life that I would not have if I had been in charge of things from the beginning.
My earliest memory of having a strong desire to control the make up of my family goes back to October 1967 when momma went to the hospital to give birth. I was adamant, at the age of 3 years old, that she would bring home to me a baby sister. I remember daddy laughing at me when I told him that a boy baby would not be acceptable and I would refuse to love him. Thankfully I was wrong.
So many times I resisted change. Always thinking that I knew what was best and rarely conceding when I was wrong. My parents divorced when I was ten. I resisted a new home, new school, and new friends. I was reluctant when my parents dated and was admittedly a little angry when they introduced me to people that I could find no reason not to like. I said there was no way I would ever accept step parents. Thankfully I was wrong.
In 1978, momma asked me what I would say if she told me she was going to have a baby. I quickly replied, “I’d be fine with it, as long as it isn’t a girl.” Thankfully I was wrong.
I carried this stubborn notion that life was mine to choreograph into adulthood. When things didn’t go according to my plan, I fought to change them. I prayed harder that G-d would step in and ‘fix things’ for me. I often beat myself up believing that if I just did things a little better or tried a little harder or wasn’t so selfish, then life would be happy and all of my plans would work out. In reality, the more I resisted, the harder life became. I thought I knew what was best. Thankfully I was wrong.
Today I am blessed with a new perspective, one that comes through experience and time. I look back over my life and see a brother and two sisters, two Dads and two Moms, extra grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, a huge list of friends, and many cherished memories, all of which I would never had known if I had been in charge of my life. Thankfully I was wrong.
I’ve learned to have faith in the grander scheme. I’ve learned to trust my instincts and to breathe through situations that I don’t readily understand. I’ve learned that fear is the only obstacle to life and love is the only thing that matters. I am grateful for every part of my experience, the things I welcomed and the things I resisted. Life is so good today. I am blessed.
at greets you when you enter. She’s a candy dish with Turtles, peanut butter balls, and fudge. She is a ten layer chocolate cake, Graham cracker crumb cake, lemon pie, coconut pie, coconut cake, Toll house cookies, and the most amazing brownies ever made. She is the sound of an Elvis Presley vinyl playing on a console stereo alongside the dining room table covered in a red and white cloth. She is stuffed Santas that sing when you press their gloves and a cradle full of baby dolls. She is more presents than any one child ever needed all wrapped and stacked neatly beside the most perfect Christmas tree you have ever seen.