Month: September 2014

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Acceptance is messy

by DeniseLeave a Comment on Acceptance is messy

Focus on what you have. Stop wishing for what you don’t. Be grateful for friends to laugh with, children to be proud of, and a partner to love. Accentuate the positive. Breathe in gratitude. Breathe out compassion.

IMG_0192Accept what IS. Release all expectations.

But today is grey. Today is heavy. Today is a wool sock, and sweatpants wrapped in an old quilt kind of day.

Today is sixty-four degrees and cloudy. Today I don’t have the energy to be a happy person, grateful and optimistic. Today my glass feels half empty and the trees are obscuring my view of the forest.

I’ve made my share of lemonade from life’s lemons and I mastered turning my frowns upside down at an early age. I was taught to dry my eyes, fix my make-up and show up with a smile.

I know how to look past stiff hugs, cold shoulders, dismissive comments, criticism disguised as humor, and long periods of silence. I can make excuses for others and believe the best even when their worst smacks me square in the face.

But I don’t know how to do hopeless. Hopeless is the toughest place to be for an optimist. I don’t do ‘give up’ very well.

For me, hopeless is Hell, a spiritual realm of suffering, allowing someone else’s action or lack of action to affect your wellbeing and peace. This is wanting desperately for someone to love you the way you want to be loved but knowing they never will. This is realizing that family is not synonymous with unconditional love, but loving them anyway. This is facing the fact that some people are okay without you in their lives and nothing you do or say will change that but showing up anyway. It’s finally learning that you can’t love enough for both sides no matter how hard you try but trying anyway. This is someone misunderstanding your heart but opening it wider anyway. It’s realizing that this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

Resisting the feeling of hopelessness gives power to the feeling. What you resist will persist. Sometimes sinking into it, allowing the heart to grieve, the Soul to cry, and the body to curl up for a day is necessary to move through the Hell to the other side.

Perhaps peace comes not only from accepting the situation as it IS, but from also acknowledging that acceptance doesn’t always feel good. Sometimes acceptance hurts. Forgiveness can be lonely and peace can feel empty.

Acceptance is walking through the Hell authentically and it can look unshowered, unshaven, and messy. Acceptance isn’t always pretty and strong, but you are God’s highest form of creation and you are okay.

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An Open Letter to Myself

by DeniseLeave a Comment on An Open Letter to Myself

little-girlDear 10 year old me,

Take care of you. I know it feels like things are falling apart right now, the divorce, mama’s dating, Daddy’s crying, living with grandparents, new school, little brother. Resist the pull to be responsible for all of that. You aren’t the adult. Be a child. Play again. Laugh. You feel like you have to grow up fast. Resist that urge.

Know that you don’t have to be perfect to be loved. Make messes. Color outside the lines. You are a beautiful loving spirit. Know that. You are blessed with a beautiful healthy body, with muscles and curves. A body that will one day give birth to four healthy babies. Embrace it! And when someone tells you that you have a big butt, look them right in the eye and say, “Yes! I do!” and smile, knowing that your body is perfect for you.

Honor your body and honor your Self. Know that you are always enough. There will come a day when you will feel unworthy. You’ll be tempted to give yourself to a boy to prove yourself. Don’t. Wait. Always wait. You’re worth it. Let love come first. Let you come first. Take time to discover who you are before you get wrapped up in someone else. Your tendency is to put other’s needs before yourown. Don’t. Embrace yourself.

You’re gonna fall in love several times in the next 30+ years and every time will provide another opportunity for you to grow. Always trust your gut. Listen to that inner voice the first time it speaks. Don’t ignore it or try to change what it is saying. Trust that voice and you’ll never go wrong.

And if you find as the years go by that you may not have heeded this advice every time, forgive yourself. Know that every day is a new beginning. Change is often painful but always worth it, because life is change.

Know that you have everything you need inside of you at all times. You are enough. Much love,                                                                                                              Older Me

ps – Learn to meditate. Practice yoga. Don’t eat meat because you really don’t like it. And when, in the future, that really cute bald guy asks you if you need computer help, say, “Yes!” Say yes to him over and over. Show him who you are, warts and all because he’s gonna love every bit of you and every thing that you’ve gone through up to that point will all make sense. Trust me.

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Happiness is letting go

by DeniseLeave a Comment on Happiness is letting go

HappinessSounds easy enough, but what does it mean?

“Happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to look like & celebrating it for everything that it is.”

Most of us have an idea of what our lives are supposed to look like, based on outside influences, culture, family history, media, societal norms, etc. Most of our lives are spent in pursuit of the ideal life defined for us by experiences as we are growing up.

We set personal goals that include things like:

  • attend University, trade school, travel abroad
  • have a prestigious career and rise to executive rank
  • live in the city, suburbs, country
  • buy a house, boat, car
  • be a stay at home mom/dad
  • be an entrepreneur
  • live alone
  • have children
  • get married
  • write a novel, play, poem, blog, song
  • travel the world
  • fall in love

Rarely, if ever, do our goals include things like:

  • raise an autistic child
  • bury a loved one
  • be the primary caregiver of an aging parent
  • declare bankruptcy
  • love an addict
  • live with bi-polar disorder
  • put a violent child/family member out of your home
  • get into an abusive relationship
  • close a failed business
  • get a divorce
  • get laid off
  • have a miscarriage
  • suffer from depression

Yet, despite our best efforts and admirable attempts at the ideal, at some point we will face life situations that are not what we imagined for ourselves.  When this happens, we have two choices.  We can look at the situation and label it as sad, hard, screwed up, sucky, miserable, burdensome, hopeless, dismal, overwhelming, isolating. We can sit in a state of constant pity for ourselves, wallowing in the misery of our situation, believing no one’s life is harder than our own. Focusing on what we see as ‘wrong’ dulls what we think is ‘right’.  In reality, there is no wrong or right, there is only what IS.

The second choice we are given is one of acceptance. Accepting our life as it IS in this moment is the pathway to happiness. Our monkey minds spin around labeling each experience hard/easy, good/bad, lucky/unlucky, success/failure. Accepting that every experience is exactly the experience that we need and every experience comes to us exactly when we need it, liberates us to find gratitude for our life as it IS.

Watching Alzeheimer’s slowly take my grandmother away, there were many days that I wanted to stay home and wallow in self-pity rather than sit with her. Most days she didn’t know my name, she rambled on about her childhood boyfriends and people I never knew. Finding gratitude in those moments saved me. I’m one of the lucky ones who was given the opportunity to know her grandmother as a child, carefree and silly. I became her girlfriend and we chatted about trips she had taken and men she had known. I learned to accept her in the moment, let go of expectation, and be grateful for what I had, not resentful for what I’d lost.

My father died of brain cancer. His illness gave me the chance to reconcile a difficult relationship.

My step-father died of colon cancer. Our conversations deepened and we left nothing unspoken.

My grandfather died suddenly when I was hundreds of miles away.  I didn’t get to say good-bye but I never saw him sick.

The practice of acceptance is done moment by moment, day by day. Some days are easier than others. I look at empty relationships and feel sadness, desiring a deeper connection, but in that moment I remind myself to feel gratitude for the lesson, to accept what the relationships are and to release any expectations I have.

All sorrow is a result of our wanting things to be different than they are – the resistance to what IS. Releasing expectations does not mean that we give up hope. Hope is what remains when we surrender to what IS and celebrate all that we have.

 

 

 

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I’m for PEACE

by DeniseLeave a Comment on I’m for PEACE

The media stirs an acidic pot, headlines of war and videotapes of beheaded journalists, young men killed by the officers charged with protecting them, school children gunned down in their classrooms, health clinics bombed, houses of worship burned. World leaders struggle to find a solution. Friends debate issues, methods, morality and history. Fear cracks our armor creating a space that divides and weakens. Instead of fellow humans, we become christians, muslims, black, white, conservative, liberal, pro-life, pro-choice. With each label, we lose a little more the ability to see others as coming from the same Source that created us all.

A comment on facebook adds hate to a tragic situation. Driven by fear others respond. Soon the feed is filled with calls to “Bomb those f-ing a-holes!” and “Wipe the Middle East out!” Sadness grows heavier, like lead running through veins weighing down limbs, sickening stomachs, burdening hearts. There is no defense. Words read cannot be erased. Instantaneously, our state of being in the world is altered and we are shrouded in a cloud of dark energy. As a result, low energy vibrates from each of us, contributing to the greater universal energy of which we are all a part.

Let us choose not to participate. Not to add to a conversation filled with hatred. Let us give no reason for others to spew negative energy into our universe. Not one extreme thinker will be swayed with words for words are easily misunderstood. Words will not stop evil. Passionate debate filled with hatred will not stop evil. Guns and tanks and bombs will not stop evil.

ArchangelRaphael

“Only angels can defeat demons.” –Frank Ferrante

As a society we have to change the way we discuss different viewpoints and express opinions, moving from debate to problem solving. Being aware of word choice and tone we can consciously move the vibration of each encounter to a higher level. The resulting resonance will itself create universal benefits.

Move into the day intending to touch one person with kindness. Post one affirming comment on facebook showing solidarity and support for those who have accepted the burden and responsibility of leading this world out of the darkness. Set an example of love and peace. Praying, each in our own way, for minds to be opened and hearts to be softened. Send light into the world, with the intention to heal not only our own wounded hearts, but with it, the heart of humankind. For at the divine source of it all, we are one.

The world has been caught in a vicious cycle of war. Killing begets more killing. Hate begets more hate. There is no end in sight unless we make a change. Instead of hate, let us try love. Instead of war, let us try peace. All of the goodness in the world is needed now to raise the vibration of universal energy, consciously creating a more peaceful world.

“We are peace. We are war. We are how we treat each other and nothing more.” –Alternate Routes