At the Center of my Being

I wonder if this is one of those moments that I’ve read about, a time when a person is faced with a choice that could potentially change the course of their life.  There is the path of short-term security that would put money in the bank for bills or there is the path toward loftier goals.

How do I choose now when I feel so overwhelmed by everything?  Is it even possible to make a good decision when I feel like I can’t think straight at all?  I feel the stress of monthly bills that linger long after the income has been depleted.  Depending on someone else to put money in the bank is another level of stress that I didn’t anticipate. The feeling that someone else controls this aspect of my life is suffocating.

Taking the position of Nanny for a new baby would give me the extra money that I need to feel a bit safer.  The hours are not ideal but I could probably make it work.  It would mean putting my career on the slow track and having less time with my boys.  Just writing that makes me sad.  So is that my answer?  Is that immediate feeling what I am supposed to listen to?  Is this my inner voice telling me not to settle?

The alternative is to stick with this new career, to dedicate myself to making it work with an even fiercer determination than what I have already made.  There is more that I can do.  I know that.  I can work harder to cut expenses at home until I begin to make money.  Cutting expenses doesn’t take me away from the boys and it doesn’t sacrifice my time at work.  I love my job.  I love the people I work with, the hours that are flexible, and the potential I see.  I love me when I am working.  Just writing this makes me smile.  Is this my answer?

Sacrificing what I love in order to make money now would feel like giving up on myself.  If I don’t believe in me, who is going to?  Every little part of this life I am creating is scary.  It is all new, the unconscious feelings I have that are beginning to surface, the coping strategies that are becoming second nature, and the strength I didn’t know I possessed.  I’m learning to trust my Self.  I have everything I need within me to create this life I envision.  I don’t have to settle for doing less than what I know I can do.

For the past week I have had a quote posted on my wall.  “At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.”  -lao tzu

Of course,

that is my answer.

Fortune Cookie

FortuneCookie“Good news of long awaited event will arrive soon.”  This was the fortune in my cookie at dinner tonight.  Thirty minutes later, on my way home from the restaurant I received an invitation to spend the weekend with a friend, for this I have waited two months.

What can be said of waiting?  Waiting is a practice that causes stress.  I focus so strongly on the desired event and become impatient for its arrival.  I no longer enjoy the moment I am living because my focus in on the future.  For this reason, I don’t want to wait.  I want it now.  I am an instant gratification type person.  I send a text out and within 20 seconds am anxious if I haven’t yet received a response.  I pick up my phone several times within the first minute to check for messages.  Before long I am creating elaborate stories in my head of reasons for my text to be ignored. Seldom are my stories reasonable.  Most often the blame falls on me and something I must have done to alienate the message sender.

It’s not just the simple things that I expect to happen quickly. Relationships should develop and take form almost before they have even begun.  If things aren’t progressing quickly enough to suit me, I assume they aren’t meant to be and I begin to imagine the relationship falling apart and ending.  What does that say about me?

Insecurity is the breeding ground for anxiety and time only serves to heighten the senses.  Time and space create an atmosphere conducive to questions and doubts when the Self is not sure.  Ego slips in reminding us of past problems and suggesting to us future failures.  Before long we are bogged down in the mire of self-doubt, unable to sit comfortably in what is Now.

Taking a deep breath and sitting with whatever is happening in my life is a lesson I am beginning to learn, a gift to my Self.

It’s more than patience.

It is an inner knowing, a confidence, a reassuring state of contentment.

It is peace.

To remind my Self that “right Now, in this moment, I am okay” is my new mantra.

I have everything I need within me right now.

There is no need for worry or for waiting.

If we accept each moment for itself, the future will unfold as it is meant to be.

This will happen whether we are anxious or accepting.

The difference is how we experience the moment.

Anxiety creates stress.

Acceptance brings peace.


The first real weekend that my children left our new home to go visit their Dad and I’m not quite certain how it feels. There is a part of me that feels an emptiness. This house is quiet, both in a relaxing way and in a lonely way. I know this is a time for me to sit, to feel, not to panic but just to let myself be. This is not an easy thing for me. My natural inclination is to fill this time with activity and people, with projects and lists, things to be checked off and accomplished.

I do have a list. Immediately, there are the sheets that need changing, furniture that needs dusting, floors that need mopping, laundry that needs folding, and bathrooms that need scrubbing. Not so immediate would be the walls that need painting, the curtains that need hanging, the car that needs cleaning, the yard that needs tending, and the dog that needs washing. And although I would love to accomplish any of the items on these lists, right now, I don’t really want to do begin any of them.

So what is it that I want to do? I want to go out with friends. I want to fix myself up and go out laughing and enjoying the company of other people. I want a connection. For the past 12 months I have spent my solitary time being solitary. I’m ready to get back out in the world and make a connection. I want to ‘be’ with other people, another form of being, I suppose.