Tag: gratitude

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Look, It’s ego.

by DeniseLeave a Comment on Look, It’s ego.

“If you think you’re evolved, go spend a week with your family.” -ram dass

I’d like to expand this idea to say, “If you think you’re evolved, go interact with your family via facebook.’

I believe that I have grown in significant ways over the past 10+ years.  I’ve gone to therapy, read self-help books, learned to meditate, and I surround myself with positive energy on a daily basis.  I’ve become increasingly aware and make it a practice to be present in the moment.  I often counsel my children to observe their breath and be aware of how situations affect them.  “Let it go,” I say.  “Just breathe.  You are okay.”

And yet, this past week has been a huge screaming reminder to me that I am only one controversial issue away from losing my cool and getting sucked up into an email argument with a sibling.  After two days of back and forth correspondence, last night I found myself frantically typing away another letter in an attempt to be heard.  My heart rate was off the chart and my stomach hurt.  The keys were a blur as tears flowed.  My feelings were hurt.  I felt misunderstood and attacked.  When I could no longer see what I was writing, I stopped.  In a moment of clarity, I heard, “What are you doing?  Just breathe.  You are okay.”

I took a deep breath, wiped my eyes, and put my finger on the delete key.  I held it down until all of the desperation was erased from my computer screen.  I laid the computer on the floor, closed my eyes, and cleared my mind.  For the first time in days, I felt a little sliver of peace begin to work its way into my soul.  I sat with that feeling for a while and then went to bed.

Today I feel a bit silly.  Silly for spending so much of my week upset over someone else’s opinion of me.  Silly for letting my guard down so that my ego could wiggle its way out and take a front position in my life.  Silly for thinking that I had evolved to a point that this would never happen to me again.  But the reality is that ego is a part of us and for the majority, it never goes away completely.  Being aware of ego and how it feels when ego is in control is a huge step.  I recognize ego when I begin to feel the need to be “right”, that feeling that if I just keep expressing my view, the other person will hear me and will be convinced to agree, that feeling of not being able to just  let it go but having to argue a point over and over.

Ego sits waiting for a moment of weakness, for someone to ‘push our buttons’ or ‘trigger’ an emotion from our past.  Members of our family are often the most likely people in our lives to do this.  They know our triggers better than anyone.  Our history is entwined and their ego uses our ego to gain strength.  It is when both egos are in charge that things get out of hand, relationships are damaged, and everyone gets hurt.

The lesson is to recognize the feeling that ego causes and to move through it.  By bringing awareness to the ego, it begins to shrink back into the shadow.  Ego can’t function in the light of awareness.  The second our Self recognizes ego, it loses all power.  The practice is then to recognize ego faster and faster each time it tries to take center stage in our lives.  Last night, in a moment of exhaustion my Self was able to whisper to me, “Look, it’s ego.  He got you again.”

My first thought this morning was that I had wasted three days of my life engaged in negative dialogue, three days I won’t get back that I could have been focused on creating the life I deserve.  I realize in this moment that no time was wasted.  I was having exactly the experience that my Self needed in order to grow again.  I had reached one level of enlightenment and had grown comfortable but there is a higher level yet to be obtained.

The Universe places before us exactly what we need in every moment.  The past few days were a reminder and a lesson.  For that, I am grateful.

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You are what you hide

by DeniseLeave a Comment on You are what you hide

“Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.” -Andre’ Malraux

This quote on facebook struck a cord with me this morning and I asked myself, “What do I hide from people?”

For a long time I hid my fear and insecurity, then I found a friend who provided a safe place for me to show this part of my Self.  Lately, I find that I’m living without fear and doing things I never would have done before.

For most of my life, I showed the world a face of confidence.  I was outspoken and opinionated, often too much so.  At times I alienated people who disagreed with me, costing friendships and weakening relationships with family.  The insecurity I held inside prevented me from opening my mind and hearing anything different than what I believed was true.  I was on such shaky footing emotionally that I didn’t have the capacity to consider another point of view.  After years of impersonating confidence, I was exhausted.

Thankfully, the Universe provides exactly what we need at all times.  At that time, what I needed was a safe place.  I found that place in the eyes of a friend who knew where I was coming from.  Her open vulnerability and raw emotion were a mirror for me and I began to see my true Self in her.  Removing the mask of confidence was the most liberating thing I have ever experienced.  Learning to trust someone to be there, to support me, to love me, even with my ugliest parts showing, gave me strength and I embraced this new feeling with gusto.  From that first moment of living in truth, I have never looked back.

Today I find myself speaking from the heart without first analyzing the reactions of others.  I see myself doing things that before would not have been possible for me.  Instead of saying, “No way,”  I’m saying, “Why not?”

Most recently, I found myself standing in front of a camera being interviewed for a promotional video that would be used by a $200mil company.  Now for some people, this would not be such a huge ordeal, but for me, I was standing so far out of my comfort zone that I might as well have been on another planet.  While I was being mic’ed up, I waited for my palms to start sweating, for my knees to get shaky, for my chest to blush red.  Amazingly enough, none of these things happened.  I remained calm and as the interview began, I was extremely happy to be standing there.  I spoke from the heart and genuinely enjoyed myself.

Now to say that I no longer hide a part of my Self from the world would not be true.  But more and more I’m finding that the part of me that I hold back is a feeling of joy and confidence.  I temper the expression of these feelings for fear of overwhelming people.  Sometimes I hear myself talking and think, “Whoa sister, back off!  They’re gonna think you’re crazy.  Nobody is this happy.”

But I am.  And for that, I am so grateful. ❤

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A Thanksgiving Day Post

by DeniseLeave a Comment on A Thanksgiving Day Post

I am reminded of the song lyric, “some of G-d’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.”  Throughout this month of intentional gratitude, I have spent some time each morning appreciating all that my life is and all that I have.  I have so much to be thankful for, most notably my family starting of course with my children who have blessed me beyond anything I imagined possible.  Going beyond the  obvious gratitude for my immediate family, I began to recognize the fact that I am grateful for the presence of people in my life that I would not have if I had been in charge of things from the beginning.

My earliest memory of having a strong desire to control the make up of my family goes back to October 1967 when momma went to the hospital to give birth.  I was adamant, at the age of 3 years old, that she would bring home to me a baby sister.  I remember daddy laughing at me when I told him that a boy baby would not be acceptable and I would refuse to love him.  Thankfully I was wrong.

So many times I resisted change.  Always thinking that I knew what was best and rarely conceding when I was wrong.  My parents divorced when I was ten.  I resisted a new home, new school, and new friends.  I was reluctant when my parents dated and was admittedly a little angry when they introduced me to people that I could find no reason not to like.  I said there was no way I would ever accept step parents.  Thankfully I was wrong.

In 1978, momma asked me what I would say if she told me she was going to have a baby.  I quickly replied, “I’d be fine with it, as long as it isn’t a girl.”  Thankfully I was wrong.

I carried this stubborn notion that life was mine to choreograph into adulthood.  When things didn’t go according to my plan, I fought to change them.  I prayed harder that G-d would step in and ‘fix things’ for me.  I often beat myself up believing that if I just did things a little better or tried a little harder or wasn’t so selfish, then life would be happy and all of my plans would work out.  In reality, the more I resisted, the harder life became.  I thought I knew what was best.  Thankfully I was wrong.

Today I am blessed with a new perspective, one that comes through experience and time.  I look back over my life and see a brother and two sisters, two Dads and two Moms, extra grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, a huge list of friends, and many cherished memories, all of which I would never had known if I had been in charge of my life.  Thankfully I was wrong.

I’ve learned to have faith in the grander scheme.  I’ve learned to trust my instincts and to breathe through situations that I don’t readily understand.  I’ve learned that fear is the only obstacle to life and love is the only thing that matters.  I am grateful for every part of my experience, the things I welcomed and the things I resisted.  Life is so good today.  I am blessed.