Author: Denise

Me. I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a lover, a yogi, and a friend. I am a teacher, a student, a reader, and a writer. I am a consumer and a creator. I am happy and sometimes I feel sad but always I am blessed simply because I am.
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Money

by DeniseLeave a Comment on Money

In about 15 minutes I’m going to make a call to a friend who is also a life coach to talk about the hang ups I have revolving around money.  She’s set aside one hour to address these issues.  I find that amusing.  I have at least 40 years of money related issues built up in here.  It will be interesting to see what she can do in 60 minutes.

This call was suggested after I expressed interest in attending a retreat my friend is hosting for women.  I read the description of the weekend and immediately sent her a note saying, “I’m in, and I’m bringing my daughter along with me!”

Now, if I had simply paid the deposit when I sent that note there would have been no reason for this phone call today.  But in typical “me fashion,” I let a few days go by and that old familiar voice started whispering in my ear, “You can’t afford to spend that money on a retreat.  You have a roof that needs replacing and a car that needs new brakes, and a child going off to college, and windows that are drafty, and a new hot water heater to pay for, and all of this is your responsibility, and what if the closing transactions scheduled don’t actually go through, and don’t forget that trip to Italy in the fall, and, and, and….”

So I sat down and wrote my friend a second note which said:

Regarding the retreat – My instincts tell me that this would be a powerful thing for us.  My inner voice says YES about all of it.  The struggle I am having (to be open here), is financial.  I have a lot of ‘stuff’ surrounding money in my life that goes back to childhood.  Believe me, I’m aware of it and I’m working on it – a lot of fear there.

As soon as I said yes to the retreat, I started to think of all the financial responsibilities that I have coming up in the next few months.

I want to say YES.  I know I need to say YES.  But I am so afraid to say yes and then not have a good commission month and need that money back.  Can you feel how frustrated I am about this?  LOL

Financial freedom is my vision –  Freedom from this fear that I wake with on too many mornings.  This is why I NEED to say YES.

ugh.

Thanks for listening.

As I typed my eyes filled with tears and that old familiar feeling of desperation and helplessness began to creep in.  I knew even as I was saying I couldn’t go, that the very reasons for not going were the exact reasons that I needed to go.  I wasn’t sad that I was going to miss a retreat.  I was sad that the words I was typing were not my Truth.  I was once again denying what my heart desired.  I believe the Soul speaks in whispers and when we ignore the whispers, the truth grows louder until we finally are forced to listen.

My instinct is telling me that there is something more I need to discover, a deeper place that I need to go, a truth that I need to see in order to move forward on this journey.  So with sweaty palms, today I’m writing a check and in a few weeks I’ll be going on a retreat.  I’m extremely uncomfortable with all this so I know there is growth in the near future.  With a deep breath, I’m gonna jump in and see what’s in store for me!

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Look, It’s ego.

by DeniseLeave a Comment on Look, It’s ego.

“If you think you’re evolved, go spend a week with your family.” -ram dass

I’d like to expand this idea to say, “If you think you’re evolved, go interact with your family via facebook.’

I believe that I have grown in significant ways over the past 10+ years.  I’ve gone to therapy, read self-help books, learned to meditate, and I surround myself with positive energy on a daily basis.  I’ve become increasingly aware and make it a practice to be present in the moment.  I often counsel my children to observe their breath and be aware of how situations affect them.  “Let it go,” I say.  “Just breathe.  You are okay.”

And yet, this past week has been a huge screaming reminder to me that I am only one controversial issue away from losing my cool and getting sucked up into an email argument with a sibling.  After two days of back and forth correspondence, last night I found myself frantically typing away another letter in an attempt to be heard.  My heart rate was off the chart and my stomach hurt.  The keys were a blur as tears flowed.  My feelings were hurt.  I felt misunderstood and attacked.  When I could no longer see what I was writing, I stopped.  In a moment of clarity, I heard, “What are you doing?  Just breathe.  You are okay.”

I took a deep breath, wiped my eyes, and put my finger on the delete key.  I held it down until all of the desperation was erased from my computer screen.  I laid the computer on the floor, closed my eyes, and cleared my mind.  For the first time in days, I felt a little sliver of peace begin to work its way into my soul.  I sat with that feeling for a while and then went to bed.

Today I feel a bit silly.  Silly for spending so much of my week upset over someone else’s opinion of me.  Silly for letting my guard down so that my ego could wiggle its way out and take a front position in my life.  Silly for thinking that I had evolved to a point that this would never happen to me again.  But the reality is that ego is a part of us and for the majority, it never goes away completely.  Being aware of ego and how it feels when ego is in control is a huge step.  I recognize ego when I begin to feel the need to be “right”, that feeling that if I just keep expressing my view, the other person will hear me and will be convinced to agree, that feeling of not being able to just  let it go but having to argue a point over and over.

Ego sits waiting for a moment of weakness, for someone to ‘push our buttons’ or ‘trigger’ an emotion from our past.  Members of our family are often the most likely people in our lives to do this.  They know our triggers better than anyone.  Our history is entwined and their ego uses our ego to gain strength.  It is when both egos are in charge that things get out of hand, relationships are damaged, and everyone gets hurt.

The lesson is to recognize the feeling that ego causes and to move through it.  By bringing awareness to the ego, it begins to shrink back into the shadow.  Ego can’t function in the light of awareness.  The second our Self recognizes ego, it loses all power.  The practice is then to recognize ego faster and faster each time it tries to take center stage in our lives.  Last night, in a moment of exhaustion my Self was able to whisper to me, “Look, it’s ego.  He got you again.”

My first thought this morning was that I had wasted three days of my life engaged in negative dialogue, three days I won’t get back that I could have been focused on creating the life I deserve.  I realize in this moment that no time was wasted.  I was having exactly the experience that my Self needed in order to grow again.  I had reached one level of enlightenment and had grown comfortable but there is a higher level yet to be obtained.

The Universe places before us exactly what we need in every moment.  The past few days were a reminder and a lesson.  For that, I am grateful.

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My Why

by DeniseLeave a Comment on My Why

The great motivational speakers will tell you that to accomplish goals in life you have to have a “why,” a reason that motivates you, that keeps you going when things get tough, that reminds you of what is important to you.  Your “why” needs to be specific, detailed, and something you can visualize.

Since the day I became a mom, my “why” has been my children.  They were the motivation to quit my job.  They were the reason I budgeted my time and money, the reason I read parenting books, motivational books, educational books, nutritional books, self-help books, and spiritual books.  They were the reason I volunteered and reached out beyond myself, the reason I took chances and overcame fears.  And when life took turns and led me down dark corridors, they were the “why” that gave me the strength to turn myself around and walk back into the light.

Over the years my “why” has changed but the basis of it remains the same, to be the best ME that I can be as an example to my children of what a life of joy and love looks like.

There are several things that need to happen in order for me to live the example I aim to set.  Foremost, I must have financial freedom.  Most of my life I’ve depended on someone else to provide for me.  I never learned to manage my finances in a manner that would sustain me through tough times.  Money that was given to me quickly dwindled away.  Poor management coupled with a failing economy left me in a very scary place.  Anxiety entered my life and joy was pushed aside.  In an effort to recover, I went to work.  I worked long and I worked hard surrounded by smart people who were doing the same.  After months and months, I felt like my efforts were paying off.  A few commission checks started coming in.  I began to put a little money away.  I felt like I had made it through and would now begin to experience life on the other side of struggle.

But what I learned was that one simple bump in my path could set me back to square one.  I was just one illness, one cancelled transaction, or one major home repair away from where I had begun.  I was at the whim of my clients to buy or sell.  It didn’t really matter how good I was at my job.  If they changed their minds, I didn’t get paid.  My financial situation was feast or famine and my life was one long roller coaster ride.  For a while I thought it was just me, another example of my poor financial skills, but then I realized that most of the smart, skilled, ambitious people working around me were living the same way.  All of us had more days at the end of our months than we had money in our accounts.

I’m changing that for myself.  I’m embracing ‘the opportunity of a lifetime within the lifetime of the opportunity.’  I’m creating a future of certainty and security that will provide a foundation for me to live a life of joy.  I’m taking what I learned in all of those books on education, nutrition, self-help, and spirituality and using that knowledge to help other people create the life they dream of living.  I’m working side by side with my children and watching them as they mature into leadership roles, teaching me as they go.

One year from now, my path will be smooth, no more roller coasters to ride.  The residual income I will earn from the efforts I put forth today will provide me with financial freedom to live the life I imagine.

The Universe provides exactly what we need at the precise time that we are ready to receive it.  I’m constantly amazed by that fact and grateful for it. ❤

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You are what you hide

by DeniseLeave a Comment on You are what you hide

“Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.” -Andre’ Malraux

This quote on facebook struck a cord with me this morning and I asked myself, “What do I hide from people?”

For a long time I hid my fear and insecurity, then I found a friend who provided a safe place for me to show this part of my Self.  Lately, I find that I’m living without fear and doing things I never would have done before.

For most of my life, I showed the world a face of confidence.  I was outspoken and opinionated, often too much so.  At times I alienated people who disagreed with me, costing friendships and weakening relationships with family.  The insecurity I held inside prevented me from opening my mind and hearing anything different than what I believed was true.  I was on such shaky footing emotionally that I didn’t have the capacity to consider another point of view.  After years of impersonating confidence, I was exhausted.

Thankfully, the Universe provides exactly what we need at all times.  At that time, what I needed was a safe place.  I found that place in the eyes of a friend who knew where I was coming from.  Her open vulnerability and raw emotion were a mirror for me and I began to see my true Self in her.  Removing the mask of confidence was the most liberating thing I have ever experienced.  Learning to trust someone to be there, to support me, to love me, even with my ugliest parts showing, gave me strength and I embraced this new feeling with gusto.  From that first moment of living in truth, I have never looked back.

Today I find myself speaking from the heart without first analyzing the reactions of others.  I see myself doing things that before would not have been possible for me.  Instead of saying, “No way,”  I’m saying, “Why not?”

Most recently, I found myself standing in front of a camera being interviewed for a promotional video that would be used by a $200mil company.  Now for some people, this would not be such a huge ordeal, but for me, I was standing so far out of my comfort zone that I might as well have been on another planet.  While I was being mic’ed up, I waited for my palms to start sweating, for my knees to get shaky, for my chest to blush red.  Amazingly enough, none of these things happened.  I remained calm and as the interview began, I was extremely happy to be standing there.  I spoke from the heart and genuinely enjoyed myself.

Now to say that I no longer hide a part of my Self from the world would not be true.  But more and more I’m finding that the part of me that I hold back is a feeling of joy and confidence.  I temper the expression of these feelings for fear of overwhelming people.  Sometimes I hear myself talking and think, “Whoa sister, back off!  They’re gonna think you’re crazy.  Nobody is this happy.”

But I am.  And for that, I am so grateful. ❤

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Anger is a poison

by DeniseLeave a Comment on Anger is a poison

“Holding anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” -Buddha

This morning I came face to face with an anger like nothing I’ve ever experienced.  A cold hard anger that produced a chilling energy which left me feeling sad.  Thankfully this was not my own anger.  I can’t imagine feeling such a black emotion from the inside out.  For me, being the recipient of the anger was hard enough but I was able to walk away from that dark place.  Sadly for the one holding that anger, she is stuck there.

Her anger is directed at me.  I own that.  Just two years ago, she was my friend, my “BookClub” friend.  Any woman reading this knows what that means.  But life happened and I chose to take a chance on love.  That chance happened to involve the ex-husband of a mutual friend and for that, she has not forgiven me.

It’s difficult for me to reconcile this angry person with the friend I once knew.  Naively, I once believed that she would understand and eventually support me.  I was wrong.  Her bitterness has festered for eighteen months to the point that when I said, “Hello” with a smile, her eyes glared a hatred that was tangible.  She paused in that moment to let her hatred for me sink in and then she turned away.

Many times I’ve asked myself what I could have done differently.  I’ve read over old emails between us trying to gain an understanding of her point of view.  I’ve imagined being in her position and asked myself how I would feel.  I’ve sought the counsel of friends and expressed my sorrow for how my choice impacted our little group.  But after today, I finally understand that what she is holding inside has little to do with me and everything to do with her.

Although she might think that her anger is hurting me, it is quite obvious that she is the one suffering.  Stuck and unable to move forward, unable to accept the changes that are part of life, unable to grow and let go, she is only hurting herself.  For that, I’m sad.  Every day that she holds on to her anger it is like drinking poison and hoping I will die.

For me, I will offer only compassion to her.  I forgive her the hatred that she sends my way.  My life is full.  For that, I am so grateful.  Life offered me a second chance and I took it.  I have so much love surrounding me these days, like a shield it protects me and allows me to move forward with a smile and an ever-expanding heart.

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It doesn’t get better. It just gets different.

by DeniseLeave a Comment on It doesn’t get better. It just gets different.

March.  It does this to me every year.  This morning the emotions are strong and the memories are vivid.  I feel his presence as if he will walk in the room any minute now.  I’ve come to accept this pattern.  The first few years I was caught off guard.  March would roll around and I was moody and off balance.  Several times the 18th of the month snuck up on me before I realized what was happening.  Now, I anticipate the feelings, the overwhelming onslaught of memories, and the knowing that he is near.

Everywhere I go there are white-haired men with rosy cheeks and jolly laughs, people whistling show tunes, and Sinatra playing around each corner.  I hear his voice, remember his stories, and feel his embrace.  I look at my children and he is here.  In moments of doubt I hear his words, a constant reminder that I’m a good mother and I am loved.

While the spontaneous tears can be inconvenient and often embarrassing, I don’t resist anymore.  I’ve learned to embrace this time of year, to even welcome it, for at no other time is he so close to me.  The next few weeks will be filled with dreams.  He’ll speak to me in daisies and he’ll hug me close with the warm rays of Springtime sun.  Dad passed from this life 19 years ago but he didn’t go far.

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Spiritual Heart <3

by DeniseLeave a Comment on Spiritual Heart <3

consuming-fireThis morning I am grateful for the ability of my spiritual heart to expand without limit.  I have often thought, ‘I couldn’t possibly love (insert name) more than I do at this moment.  If I did, my heart would surely explode.’

I remember nursing my firstborn child soon after he was born, overwhelmed by the wave of emotion this tiny creature stirred within me.  Tears running down my face, a lump in my throat, and that fullness in my chest that says my soul is fulfilled.  At that moment for the first time I thought, ‘I couldn’t possibly love this child more than I do at this moment.’  Time has proven me wrong.  For over and over I find myself loving this child more than I did in that moment.

And it is not only this child who has invoked this expansion of my spiritual heart.  Since that first moment, my heart has grown stronger, more elastic, ever larger, to the point that almost daily I am overcome by the feeling that ‘I couldn’t possibly love (insert name) more than I do at this moment.’

With the birth of each child, I questioned whether my heart could expand yet again.  Each child creating another opportunity for growth and fulfillment.  Each stage of their lives providing me the gift of uncertainty and change.  An opportunity to move forward into an unknown space of ‘I couldn’t possibly love more than I do at this moment.’  Only to find that on the other side of uncertainty my spiritual heart capacity had expanded, another layer of compassion and truth added to my life.

Like any physical muscle, this spiritual muscle has the ability to strengthen and to stretch with proper care and usage.

It occurs to me that just as physical exercise involves discomfort in the process of strengthening, so does spiritual exercise.  At the moment that I begin to feel anxious, uncertain, scared, sad, or dissatisfied, this is an opportunity for the spiritual muscle to strengthen and expand.  In yoga, we are taught to breathe into the muscle, to relax, to release, to trust our bodies to know what is right for us in the moment.

I’m learning to apply my yoga practice to all areas of my Self, physical and spiritual.  Today I realize that each time I feel that ‘I couldn’t possibly love more than I do at this moment’, my heart is expanding and I will for certain love even more.

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My Soapbox

by DeniseLeave a Comment on My Soapbox

“The secret in education lies in respecting the student.”

(I should remind everyone that I am a former public school teacher disillusioned by the system who made the decision to be a stay at home mom for 24 years and was fortunately able to provide my children with a Montessori education through their Ninth grade years.)  

Just the other night I sat at the kitchen table with my 18yo son, a senior in high school, and watched as he spent hours doing homework for his AP level Environmental Science class.  As a former Science teacher, the idea of a class devoted entirely to environmental issues at any level excites me.  I imagine current events that spark heated debates among impassioned students.  Eager to share in what my son is experiencing, I look over his shoulder to read what he’s working on…a list of definitions.  Always the optimist (see first blog post), I assume the teacher is laying the groundwork for her students, giving them the vocabulary they need in order to engage in the intellectual back and forth discussions that are soon to take place.  This makes sense to me until my son reminds me that the class is in its sixth week and this is a regular pattern of homework for him.  Leafing through his spiral bound notebook, he shows me week after week of the same thing.

The more my son shows me, the less I want to see.  My vision of students inspired to make a difference in their world slowly fades away with the flip of pages in a notebook.  Lists of words taken straight from the glossary of a textbook.  The assignment- to write out the definitions, no typing allowed.  Questions, the answers in bold at the beginning of each new section, also must be handwritten.  I assume this requirement is to keep students from using the copy and paste function on a computer.  Adding insult to injury, to answer the majority of the questions a student needs only to rewrite many of the same definitions that have already been written during the previous assignment.

I have so many questions that I’d like to ask this teacher, who by the way has the title “Dr.” in front of her name suggesting to me a passion for her subject.  I’d start with asking her what caused her to lose that passion?  Why she is giving busy work to AP level high school students.  Why is it important for them to spend hours handwriting definitions that could easily be copied in minutes?  Why are they asked to summarize current event articles that are chosen by her and not articles that interest them?  Articles, by the way, that are not challenging, controversial, or thought-provoking.  Why has the curriculum for this AP level class not changed for years?  Students pass notebooks down from one year to the next and the content has stayed the same.

The problem here is not one single teacher.  I believe most people who decide to teach do so because they have a passion for their subject and a passion for learning.  Idealistic individuals with a desire to make a difference in this world, young teachers have creative visions of energetic classrooms filled with students eager to learn.  But something happens to us when we are faced with the reality of our current system of education.  As teachers, we lose our passion.  Over time, we give up.

The problem is huge and complex and overwhelming.  The problem starts in the university where aspiring teachers are taught the same methods for teaching and discipline that have been taught for generations.  Methods designed to manage students, not to inspire them.  Methods for designing teacher-led lessons, not student-directed learning.  Methods to control student behavior, not methods to demonstrate mutual respect.

As a result, our educational system produces in large part, students without a passion for learning.  Trained for twelve plus years to reproduce what is placed in front of them, never asked what excites them, most of them don’t know.  It’s no wonder our children graduate and wander around for years trying to determine what they want to do with their lives.  They’ve not been giving the opportunity to explore what excites them.  They don’t have an understanding of their role or the important part they play in the world community.

The current system lacks respect:  respect for the teacher, respect for the student, respect for learning, respect for passion, creativity, and energy.  We are caught in a spiral and it will take a group of passionate individuals to break us out.

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Another Lesson Learned

by DeniseLeave a Comment on Another Lesson Learned

With so many things that matter in life, politics, religion, stereotypes, and love, I have learned the most from my children.  It is when they ask questions that I am afforded the opportunity to evaluate, ponder, and reconsider what I believe to be true.

 

In my twenties, before I became a mother, I knew all the answers.  Now in my forties, I realize I am only beginning to know anything at all and they come to me for advice.  They need the wisdom that, in their innocence, they believe I must possess.  And just like I felt the need to reassure them there were no monsters under their beds, I feel the need to reassure them as they struggle through the growing pains of life.  Carefully I choose my words, sharing the experiences that have shaped me.  All the while hoping and praying that the pains I have endured will provide lessons for my children, thereby sparing them the same.  I listen as they share with me their fears, frustrations, and heart-breaks.  Every ounce of my soul begs to spare them this part of life’s journey.

 

From my vantage point, it’s easy to see what they should do, how they should behave, the choices they should make.  I’ve made these mistakes.  I’ve had these feelings.  I’ve been there.  I know.

 

I speak to them of unconditional love, of the feeling in your gut that comes when your soul finds it’s mate.  I relate the irrelevance of words and the all important power of instinctual feelings, the Knowing when something is right and the trust required to listen when that happens.  I explain that when you find that someone, nothing can be said or done to change that feeling and likewise, if that feeling isn’t there, nothing can be said or done to create it.

 

I speak to them of learning to sit with their Self, to become comfortable with feeling uncomfortable, of learning to stop resisting what Is and accept life in the moment without expectation.  Life isn’t black or white.  Life happens in the grey area.  It’s okay not to know all the answers.  It’s okay to feel sadness.  To go through it and come out on the other side is one of life’s greatest gifts.

 

I need to take my own advice.  To sit in this moment with no expectation, watching my children stumble, catch themselves, fall and get back up, all the while developing their balance, learning to trust their instinct.  All the while resisting the urge to hold them up.

Just as all the talking and explaining in the world couldn’t teach them to walk.  They had to experience the bumps and falls on their own.  My words now are empty without their own life experience to provide the background for understanding.

 

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God don’t make no junk!

by DeniseLeave a Comment on God don’t make no junk!

I didn’t sleep well last night.  I tossed and turned and woke way too early with swollen eyes, stiff joints, and the thought, “God don’t make no junk!” screaming in my head.

Another friend’s child was diagnosed with ADHD yesterday.  She sent me a note with a sad face at the end and a resolution to see this as a ‘gift’ and an opportunity to learn and grow.  I love her attitude, her compassion for her child, and her determination to see the positive in every situation.  But I know her path will be cluttered with people encouraging her to change who her little boy is, to medicate, to isolate, to restrict, and to discipline.

This subject beyond any other causes me such anxiety.  What have we become as a people that we demand such conformity?  A child is born with a mind that processes life in a crazy non-linear way that makes it difficult for most of us to understand and our answer is to change the child.  The ego of mankind has grown so large that changing the essence of a child is now not only acceptable but expected.

I could go down the spiritual path and ask, “if we are created to be exactly what we are meant to be” then how do we justify changing who someone is?  How a person processes thought is not a life-threatening condition.  Thankfully, medical science has given us many tools that save lives.  We are capable of replacing defective body parts and improving a person’s quality of life.  Where do we draw the line?

I believe we need to ask ourselves “why?”  Why is it necessary that this 5 year old child sit quietly and listen to a story?  Why must he sit in a chair and not stand to do his art project?  Why can’t he walk and stretch and jump if that’s what his body needs to do?

Sadly, the answer is often because it makes our lives more difficult.  It’s more difficult to manage a group of children when some of them need to move.  It’s more difficult to manage one child that can’t follow more than one instruction at a time.  It complicates our lives as parents and teachers when we are challenged to manage and raise a child who is constantly moving both physically and mentally.  It is exhausting.

With the advantage of medical science, we now have the option of conforming the child to society.  It’s much easier to help the child fit in than to change the environment to fit the child but at what cost?

I know young adults and older friends with ADHD.  They are some of the most brilliant people I have ever been around.  Their thoughts are constantly jumping from one idea to the next and it is exhausting with my structured linear thought processing mind to keep up with them.  Most times, I don’t.  But how sad would it be if they were any different?  What gifts of creative inspiration would we miss if these unfocused hyper-thinkers were dulled?  What amazing contributions might these high energy children provide to the world if the world could keep up with them?

I don’t have the solution to this dilemma.  The overall challenge feels overwhelming.  It’s a societal mindset that has produced an educational system that is tremendously flawed where what is best for the child is not the primary focus.  How do we go about changing the system and not the individual?

I’m concerned for my friend.  Her challenge will be exhausting and she will constantly question herself and her decisions no matter what path she takes for her child.  At least I hope that is the case and she doesn’t just accept the status quo like the majority of society continues to do.