Money

In about 15 minutes I’m going to make a call to a friend who is also a life coach to talk about the hang ups I have revolving around money.  She’s set aside one hour to address these issues.  I find that amusing.  I have at least 40 years of money related issues built up in here.  It will be interesting to see what she can do in 60 minutes.

This call was suggested after I expressed interest in attending a retreat my friend is hosting for women.  I read the description of the weekend and immediately sent her a note saying, “I’m in, and I’m bringing my daughter along with me!”

Now, if I had simply paid the deposit when I sent that note there would have been no reason for this phone call today.  But in typical “me fashion,” I let a few days go by and that old familiar voice started whispering in my ear, “You can’t afford to spend that money on a retreat.  You have a roof that needs replacing and a car that needs new brakes, and a child going off to college, and windows that are drafty, and a new hot water heater to pay for, and all of this is your responsibility, and what if the closing transactions scheduled don’t actually go through, and don’t forget that trip to Italy in the fall, and, and, and….”

So I sat down and wrote my friend a second note which said:

Regarding the retreat – My instincts tell me that this would be a powerful thing for us.  My inner voice says YES about all of it.  The struggle I am having (to be open here), is financial.  I have a lot of ‘stuff’ surrounding money in my life that goes back to childhood.  Believe me, I’m aware of it and I’m working on it – a lot of fear there.

As soon as I said yes to the retreat, I started to think of all the financial responsibilities that I have coming up in the next few months.

I want to say YES.  I know I need to say YES.  But I am so afraid to say yes and then not have a good commission month and need that money back.  Can you feel how frustrated I am about this?  LOL

Financial freedom is my vision –  Freedom from this fear that I wake with on too many mornings.  This is why I NEED to say YES.

ugh.

Thanks for listening.

As I typed my eyes filled with tears and that old familiar feeling of desperation and helplessness began to creep in.  I knew even as I was saying I couldn’t go, that the very reasons for not going were the exact reasons that I needed to go.  I wasn’t sad that I was going to miss a retreat.  I was sad that the words I was typing were not my Truth.  I was once again denying what my heart desired.  I believe the Soul speaks in whispers and when we ignore the whispers, the truth grows louder until we finally are forced to listen.

My instinct is telling me that there is something more I need to discover, a deeper place that I need to go, a truth that I need to see in order to move forward on this journey.  So with sweaty palms, today I’m writing a check and in a few weeks I’ll be going on a retreat.  I’m extremely uncomfortable with all this so I know there is growth in the near future.  With a deep breath, I’m gonna jump in and see what’s in store for me!