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Being Mindfully Me

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At the Center of my Being

I wonder if this is one of those moments that I’ve read about, a time when a person is faced with a choice that could potentially change the course of their life.  There is the path of short-term security that would put money in the bank for bills or there is the path toward loftier goals.

How do I choose now when I feel so overwhelmed by everything?  Is it even possible to make a good decision when I feel like I can’t think straight at all?  I feel the stress of monthly bills that linger long after the income has been depleted.  Depending on someone else to put money in the bank is another level of stress that I didn’t anticipate. The feeling that someone else controls this aspect of my life is suffocating.

Taking the position of Nanny for a new baby would give me the extra money that I need to feel a bit safer.  The hours are not ideal but I could probably make it work.  It would mean putting my career on the slow track and having less time with my boys.  Just writing that makes me sad.  So is that my answer?  Is that immediate feeling what I am supposed to listen to?  Is this my inner voice telling me not to settle?

The alternative is to stick with this new career, to dedicate myself to making it work with an even fiercer determination than what I have already made.  There is more that I can do.  I know that.  I can work harder to cut expenses at home until I begin to make money.  Cutting expenses doesn’t take me away from the boys and it doesn’t sacrifice my time at work.  I love my job.  I love the people I work with, the hours that are flexible, and the potential I see.  I love me when I am working.  Just writing this makes me smile.  Is this my answer?

Sacrificing what I love in order to make money now would feel like giving up on myself.  If I don’t believe in me, who is going to?  Every little part of this life I am creating is scary.  It is all new, the unconscious feelings I have that are beginning to surface, the coping strategies that are becoming second nature, and the strength I didn’t know I possessed.  I’m learning to trust my Self.  I have everything I need within me to create this life I envision.  I don’t have to settle for doing less than what I know I can do.

For the past week I have had a quote posted on my wall.  “At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.”  -lao tzu

Of course,

that is my answer.

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