In about 15 minutes I’m going to make a call to a friend who is also a life coach to talk about the hang ups I have revolving around money.  She’s set aside one hour to address these issues.  I find that amusing.  I have at least 40 years of money related issues built up in here.  It will be interesting to see what she can do in 60 minutes.

This call was suggested after I expressed interest in attending a retreat my friend is hosting for women.  I read the description of the weekend and immediately sent her a note saying, “I’m in, and I’m bringing my daughter along with me!”

Now, if I had simply paid the deposit when I sent that note there would have been no reason for this phone call today.  But in typical “me fashion,” I let a few days go by and that old familiar voice started whispering in my ear, “You can’t afford to spend that money on a retreat.  You have a roof that needs replacing and a car that needs new brakes, and a child going off to college, and windows that are drafty, and a new hot water heater to pay for, and all of this is your responsibility, and what if the closing transactions scheduled don’t actually go through, and don’t forget that trip to Italy in the fall, and, and, and….”

So I sat down and wrote my friend a second note which said:

Regarding the retreat – My instincts tell me that this would be a powerful thing for us.  My inner voice says YES about all of it.  The struggle I am having (to be open here), is financial.  I have a lot of ‘stuff’ surrounding money in my life that goes back to childhood.  Believe me, I’m aware of it and I’m working on it – a lot of fear there.

As soon as I said yes to the retreat, I started to think of all the financial responsibilities that I have coming up in the next few months.

I want to say YES.  I know I need to say YES.  But I am so afraid to say yes and then not have a good commission month and need that money back.  Can you feel how frustrated I am about this?  LOL

Financial freedom is my vision –  Freedom from this fear that I wake with on too many mornings.  This is why I NEED to say YES.


Thanks for listening.

As I typed my eyes filled with tears and that old familiar feeling of desperation and helplessness began to creep in.  I knew even as I was saying I couldn’t go, that the very reasons for not going were the exact reasons that I needed to go.  I wasn’t sad that I was going to miss a retreat.  I was sad that the words I was typing were not my Truth.  I was once again denying what my heart desired.  I believe the Soul speaks in whispers and when we ignore the whispers, the truth grows louder until we finally are forced to listen.

My instinct is telling me that there is something more I need to discover, a deeper place that I need to go, a truth that I need to see in order to move forward on this journey.  So with sweaty palms, today I’m writing a check and in a few weeks I’ll be going on a retreat.  I’m extremely uncomfortable with all this so I know there is growth in the near future.  With a deep breath, I’m gonna jump in and see what’s in store for me!

My Why

The great motivational speakers will tell you that to accomplish goals in life you have to have a “why,” a reason that motivates you, that keeps you going when things get tough, that reminds you of what is important to you.  Your “why” needs to be specific, detailed, and something you can visualize.

Since the day I became a mom, my “why” has been my children.  They were the motivation to quit my job.  They were the reason I budgeted my time and money, the reason I read parenting books, motivational books, educational books, nutritional books, self-help books, and spiritual books.  They were the reason I volunteered and reached out beyond myself, the reason I took chances and overcame fears.  And when life took turns and led me down dark corridors, they were the “why” that gave me the strength to turn myself around and walk back into the light.

Over the years my “why” has changed but the basis of it remains the same, to be the best ME that I can be as an example to my children of what a life of joy and love looks like.

There are several things that need to happen in order for me to live the example I aim to set.  Foremost, I must have financial freedom.  Most of my life I’ve depended on someone else to provide for me.  I never learned to manage my finances in a manner that would sustain me through tough times.  Money that was given to me quickly dwindled away.  Poor management coupled with a failing economy left me in a very scary place.  Anxiety entered my life and joy was pushed aside.  In an effort to recover, I went to work.  I worked long and I worked hard surrounded by smart people who were doing the same.  After months and months, I felt like my efforts were paying off.  A few commission checks started coming in.  I began to put a little money away.  I felt like I had made it through and would now begin to experience life on the other side of struggle.

But what I learned was that one simple bump in my path could set me back to square one.  I was just one illness, one cancelled transaction, or one major home repair away from where I had begun.  I was at the whim of my clients to buy or sell.  It didn’t really matter how good I was at my job.  If they changed their minds, I didn’t get paid.  My financial situation was feast or famine and my life was one long roller coaster ride.  For a while I thought it was just me, another example of my poor financial skills, but then I realized that most of the smart, skilled, ambitious people working around me were living the same way.  All of us had more days at the end of our months than we had money in our accounts.

I’m changing that for myself.  I’m embracing ‘the opportunity of a lifetime within the lifetime of the opportunity.’  I’m creating a future of certainty and security that will provide a foundation for me to live a life of joy.  I’m taking what I learned in all of those books on education, nutrition, self-help, and spirituality and using that knowledge to help other people create the life they dream of living.  I’m working side by side with my children and watching them as they mature into leadership roles, teaching me as they go.

One year from now, my path will be smooth, no more roller coasters to ride.  The residual income I will earn from the efforts I put forth today will provide me with financial freedom to live the life I imagine.

The Universe provides exactly what we need at the precise time that we are ready to receive it.  I’m constantly amazed by that fact and grateful for it. ❤

At the Center of my Being

I wonder if this is one of those moments that I’ve read about, a time when a person is faced with a choice that could potentially change the course of their life.  There is the path of short-term security that would put money in the bank for bills or there is the path toward loftier goals.

How do I choose now when I feel so overwhelmed by everything?  Is it even possible to make a good decision when I feel like I can’t think straight at all?  I feel the stress of monthly bills that linger long after the income has been depleted.  Depending on someone else to put money in the bank is another level of stress that I didn’t anticipate. The feeling that someone else controls this aspect of my life is suffocating.

Taking the position of Nanny for a new baby would give me the extra money that I need to feel a bit safer.  The hours are not ideal but I could probably make it work.  It would mean putting my career on the slow track and having less time with my boys.  Just writing that makes me sad.  So is that my answer?  Is that immediate feeling what I am supposed to listen to?  Is this my inner voice telling me not to settle?

The alternative is to stick with this new career, to dedicate myself to making it work with an even fiercer determination than what I have already made.  There is more that I can do.  I know that.  I can work harder to cut expenses at home until I begin to make money.  Cutting expenses doesn’t take me away from the boys and it doesn’t sacrifice my time at work.  I love my job.  I love the people I work with, the hours that are flexible, and the potential I see.  I love me when I am working.  Just writing this makes me smile.  Is this my answer?

Sacrificing what I love in order to make money now would feel like giving up on myself.  If I don’t believe in me, who is going to?  Every little part of this life I am creating is scary.  It is all new, the unconscious feelings I have that are beginning to surface, the coping strategies that are becoming second nature, and the strength I didn’t know I possessed.  I’m learning to trust my Self.  I have everything I need within me to create this life I envision.  I don’t have to settle for doing less than what I know I can do.

For the past week I have had a quote posted on my wall.  “At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.”  -lao tzu

Of course,

that is my answer.