The Artist Within

Another of my favorite authors spoke to me recently.  This time through a TED talk recommended by a friend.  Elizabeth Gilbert spoke about creative genius and the pressure on artists placed by society’s idea of where genius originates.  Her premise is that creative people need to release themselves of the burden of producing great works all of the time.  Often times, artists are frozen by pressure.  “What if’s” scream so loudly that writers can no longer hear inspiration.

I’ve been writing about this phenomenon for months now.  This fear of failure.  The fear of not being validated.  The fear of rejection.  What if no one likes my work?  What if no one reads it?  What would that mean?

Am I a writer only if there is a reader?

Genius has many definitions.

 

To the mother, Swan Lake was never more brilliantly performed, than by her own young daughter.

Priceless works of art are displayed on refrigerators and young artists write essays for audiences of one.

Children create for the joy of expression with no inhibition and little need for validation.

Over time this changes.

The artist within us begins to grow silent in the absence of approval.

Only the creative spirit strong enough to silence the critic survives.

Had Steinbeck’s works been lost would they have been any less brilliant?   If the first person that read his essays had told him they were no good, would he have stopped writing?  How many sketches and paintings done by the Masters never made it into public view?  Recently my mother was wandering through a flea market in England when she stumbled across a small sketch in a broken frame.  Unsigned and discarded, nevertheless the image spoke to her and she purchased it.  Later she learned the little sketch was an original Matisse.  Had mom not been drawn to this piece of art and taken it home to frame would its value have been any less?

What defines creative genius and who among us is qualified to make this determination?  What role does opinion play and what value do we assign it?  Ultimately, what do we care?  Going back to Steinbeck, I would imagine that no opinion could have caused him to stop writing.  Do any of us believe that Picasso, Monet, Warhol, or Banksy would have stopped creating in the absence of public approval?

Creativity is genius expressing itself.  For the artist to deny the overwhelming passion to create is to deny the expression of Self.  There comes a time when suppression is no longer possible, when as a child, it no longer matters what or if anyone thinks about the created result but only that creation occurs.

Welcome Universe!

I wonder how many other writers hide from the world.  The absurdity of it all makes me laugh.  For years I have written.  Each day I compose in my head long essays, short quips, letters, notes, poems.  Some days, I manage to transfer these compositions from my head to my computer but even when I don’t, I am writing.  I’ve gone from saying, “One day I want to be a writer.”  To saying, “One day I will be a writer.”  To saying, “I am a writer.”  Baby steps over the course of my life, 48 years in the making.

Two years ago, in a brave and bold moment, I created this blog.  With excitement I chose the blog name, the website, the cover photo, the typeface.  I created my profile and painstakingly decided what image I would put on display of myself.  As I went through the process, excitement morphed to fear.  What was I doing?  Who did I think I was?  Did I really think that people would want to read what I would write?  And if they did and it wasn’t good…

So I wrote my first blog post in August of 2010.  I wrote it and I saved it.  For days I opened it up and reread it then saved it again.  I couldn’t post it for the world to see just yet.  I needed to write a few more posts.  I told myself that I needed to get in the habit of posting on a regular basis before I made my blog public.  Because, heaven forbid, I were to start blogging and then stop.  I never did actually try to reason with myself on this point.  Did I think that the world would end if my blog wasn’t a success?  Who knows.  There really was nothing rational about my thought process at this point.

My blog sat for over a year with only a few posts entered and only one follower, me.  This was understandable because even after I found the courage to hit the publish button and send my blog out into the universe, I was not able to bring myself to actually share my blog with any specific people.  My thought was to sit back and see if perhaps someone might stumble across my blog and comment, thereby giving me safe feedback.  Feedback from an anonymous person with no idea who I was and didn’t really matter.

I had visions of my blog being highly successful and readers anxiously awaiting my next post followed immediately by nightmares of readers unsubscribing automatically.  I was paralyzed.  So here I am two years and three months later with a blog that no one has seen.  To make matters more bizarre, the things I have written for the past two years are not even on the blog, they are saved in a Word document on my computer waiting to be copied and shared.

Occasionally I open my blog to reaffirm that I still love it.  And I do.  So why don’t I share?  What exactly is the basis of this silly fear I have?  I read other blogs, very successful by the way, and I know that I can write equally well.  I have content that people would relate to and I can make words flow (most of the time).  So what grips me every time I think that I’m ready for someone to read my writings?

A recent opportunity to attend a workshop with my literary idol has given me a chance to explore this fear and I may have figured it out.  Dreams are scary things when you dare to make them real.  There is the fear of failure and looking silly.  It has been easier to play it safe, to write for myself, to be a writer in my mind without the chance of someone else telling me that I’m not.  Today that changes.  Today I know that I am a writer.  And today the fear of not seeing this dream become real is far greater than the fear of looking silly.

So welcome to my blog, Universe!  🙂

At the Center of my Being

I wonder if this is one of those moments that I’ve read about, a time when a person is faced with a choice that could potentially change the course of their life.  There is the path of short-term security that would put money in the bank for bills or there is the path toward loftier goals.

How do I choose now when I feel so overwhelmed by everything?  Is it even possible to make a good decision when I feel like I can’t think straight at all?  I feel the stress of monthly bills that linger long after the income has been depleted.  Depending on someone else to put money in the bank is another level of stress that I didn’t anticipate. The feeling that someone else controls this aspect of my life is suffocating.

Taking the position of Nanny for a new baby would give me the extra money that I need to feel a bit safer.  The hours are not ideal but I could probably make it work.  It would mean putting my career on the slow track and having less time with my boys.  Just writing that makes me sad.  So is that my answer?  Is that immediate feeling what I am supposed to listen to?  Is this my inner voice telling me not to settle?

The alternative is to stick with this new career, to dedicate myself to making it work with an even fiercer determination than what I have already made.  There is more that I can do.  I know that.  I can work harder to cut expenses at home until I begin to make money.  Cutting expenses doesn’t take me away from the boys and it doesn’t sacrifice my time at work.  I love my job.  I love the people I work with, the hours that are flexible, and the potential I see.  I love me when I am working.  Just writing this makes me smile.  Is this my answer?

Sacrificing what I love in order to make money now would feel like giving up on myself.  If I don’t believe in me, who is going to?  Every little part of this life I am creating is scary.  It is all new, the unconscious feelings I have that are beginning to surface, the coping strategies that are becoming second nature, and the strength I didn’t know I possessed.  I’m learning to trust my Self.  I have everything I need within me to create this life I envision.  I don’t have to settle for doing less than what I know I can do.

For the past week I have had a quote posted on my wall.  “At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.”  -lao tzu

Of course,

that is my answer.

Fortune Cookie

FortuneCookie“Good news of long awaited event will arrive soon.”  This was the fortune in my cookie at dinner tonight.  Thirty minutes later, on my way home from the restaurant I received an invitation to spend the weekend with a friend, for this I have waited two months.

What can be said of waiting?  Waiting is a practice that causes stress.  I focus so strongly on the desired event and become impatient for its arrival.  I no longer enjoy the moment I am living because my focus in on the future.  For this reason, I don’t want to wait.  I want it now.  I am an instant gratification type person.  I send a text out and within 20 seconds am anxious if I haven’t yet received a response.  I pick up my phone several times within the first minute to check for messages.  Before long I am creating elaborate stories in my head of reasons for my text to be ignored. Seldom are my stories reasonable.  Most often the blame falls on me and something I must have done to alienate the message sender.

It’s not just the simple things that I expect to happen quickly. Relationships should develop and take form almost before they have even begun.  If things aren’t progressing quickly enough to suit me, I assume they aren’t meant to be and I begin to imagine the relationship falling apart and ending.  What does that say about me?

Insecurity is the breeding ground for anxiety and time only serves to heighten the senses.  Time and space create an atmosphere conducive to questions and doubts when the Self is not sure.  Ego slips in reminding us of past problems and suggesting to us future failures.  Before long we are bogged down in the mire of self-doubt, unable to sit comfortably in what is Now.

Taking a deep breath and sitting with whatever is happening in my life is a lesson I am beginning to learn, a gift to my Self.

It’s more than patience.

It is an inner knowing, a confidence, a reassuring state of contentment.

It is peace.

To remind my Self that “right Now, in this moment, I am okay” is my new mantra.

I have everything I need within me right now.

There is no need for worry or for waiting.

If we accept each moment for itself, the future will unfold as it is meant to be.

This will happen whether we are anxious or accepting.

The difference is how we experience the moment.

Anxiety creates stress.

Acceptance brings peace.

Being

The first real weekend that my children left our new home to go visit their Dad and I’m not quite certain how it feels. There is a part of me that feels an emptiness. This house is quiet, both in a relaxing way and in a lonely way. I know this is a time for me to sit, to feel, not to panic but just to let myself be. This is not an easy thing for me. My natural inclination is to fill this time with activity and people, with projects and lists, things to be checked off and accomplished.

I do have a list. Immediately, there are the sheets that need changing, furniture that needs dusting, floors that need mopping, laundry that needs folding, and bathrooms that need scrubbing. Not so immediate would be the walls that need painting, the curtains that need hanging, the car that needs cleaning, the yard that needs tending, and the dog that needs washing. And although I would love to accomplish any of the items on these lists, right now, I don’t really want to do begin any of them.

So what is it that I want to do? I want to go out with friends. I want to fix myself up and go out laughing and enjoying the company of other people. I want a connection. For the past 12 months I have spent my solitary time being solitary. I’m ready to get back out in the world and make a connection. I want to ‘be’ with other people, another form of being, I suppose.